Vanessababy's

I have all the things I ever wished for and wanted, especially this few days after my trips to the IT Show. Of the 4 days of the show, I went there 3 days, to my new gadgets. My checklist has may new 'checks' within the past 3 days. I admit I should be contented and happy.

Yet, why do I still feel so sad? Sometimes, I really see no point in life. I have everything, yet I have nothing. Why? I keep digging for the root of my problem, but the harder I tried, the further I seem to be going. Why is my life so miserable? I don't really know what is it in life I really want. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. Only to recall things I regretted and do not wish to thing about in life. If I could turn back time, I will definitely not be who I am today. But I know it's only an 'if', and it would always remain that way. I just think life can be very depressing sometimes, so depressing that I choose to forget most of it.

I have quite a good memory, yet I cannot seem to remember many things. I cannot recall how my childhood was like. I grew up childhood many would consider brilliant. My toys require rooms to store them up, my Barbie dolls were over hundreds in amounts, I have beautiful clothes, in short I have everything a child ever wished for. Even till date, I have 5 sets of Monopoly at home, soft toys that occupy a few of my cupboards and even one of my wardrobe to contain them all. I am the only child in a complete and happy family. How can I possibly be sad then? I keep asking myself this question too.

No matter how hard I tried, I cannot remember a single thing from my childhood days. Even if I can recall, it's just a very blur memory of a particular scene. Fragments that is, I cannot remember what happened before or after that at all. I cannot even remember what each person was saying then. In summary, it's just a picture in my head. I even suspect these fragments were fake memories. It might have gotten into my memory after people constantly tell me about it, thus entering my subconscious memory over time. I cannot remember my first day in kindergarten, nor anything in my past at all. My most vivid memory was....none. Why?

Nothing depressing has happened in my childhood, so far I know, I am a cheerful and naive child then. Only people who have encountered very traumatic events tend to have their memory wiped out by their own brains. Yes, our brain do wipe out memories if need to in order to protect us. Shall elaborate more another day. But why is this happening to me too? What has caused such a major turning point in my life?

I would be a spoilt bitch in most of you eyes. But if I am so pampered, why do I still feel so empty and sad? Where has my memories gone to? My earliest memory starts at primary school. What happened before that? I cannot even recall a single thing.

I believe, at the end of the day, what differentiate me and you would be memories. Our memories is who we are. Your cells replace every few nanoseconds or hour, so very much, our body would be replaced from head to toe every now and then. I am not the Vanessa I was a second ago, neither am I the one a split-second ago. For a handful of my cells would have died and new ones would have replaced it now. Our heart, brain, face and every part of us undergo this process. Ten years from now, the only thing unchanged about me would be my memories. Yet, I cannot recall my earliest memory at all. It would be a book with no proper staring for me. How would the ending ever be complete then?

Would you people stop judging me? You know nothing about me at all, what gives you the right to speak? I blogged this as I really feel a need to rant out words from the bottom of my heart. Furthermore, my memories were once again challenged today. I was on my way home when a girl my age suddenly walks up and waved to me. I was at a lost for a moment, with no idea at all who she was. She happened to be my primary school classmate, yet I can totally forget her. There she is, she can still remember me! Why can I not do so too? I feel so bad when I admitted to her I actually forgot who she was. Even now, I still cannot recall her. WHY???